I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
