Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
