we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
