I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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