Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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