i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
