dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
