Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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