if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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