The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
