i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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