News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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