Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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