What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
