I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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