Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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