your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can text with my tongue
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize