i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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