I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
