There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
When are your genitals available?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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