Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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