6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
