1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to have your abortion
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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