chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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