I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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