Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
vagina is talking i cant
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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