just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
