Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
