At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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