That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
