A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
