Little spoons don't ask big questions
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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