Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize