if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
