Do you still have your period?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
