Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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