Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
