yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
