Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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