I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
