I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
