I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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