Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
