There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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