it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
