I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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