no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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