the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
