I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
