i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
