after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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