i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
