He uses pillows to masturbate.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
