just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
