You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
