Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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