I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
