Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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