There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
